Divorce might be the solution not the problem
Jo wrote this many years ago. We hope it helps in some way.
When I got divorced I thought of it as a solution and not "the" problem. In a lot of relationships, I believe, divorce is the solution to a problem. Before you read more or dismiss this because you don’t believe in divorce, think about that sentence. Many people think that children with divorced parents are doomed thus we have a notion that divorce is THE PROBLEM. Have you ever spoken to an adult who has said “I wish my parents had gotten divorced years ago. I hated the fighting, I hated the tension, or I hated the silence?”
Are there better times in a child’s life to get divorced? Some think so. Some say that when children are very young it is easier on them because they haven’t known a 2-parent family for long and others say it is easier when they are older because they understand what is going on better than, let’s say a 4-year old. There are pros and cons to both. I believe neither time has to be a bad time. I believe that in addressing the topic of How to Deal with Divorce we have to look at the fact that age isn’t the variable (or the cause of THE PROBLEM) as much as 3 other issues. I will also tell you how I think you can make divorce the solution.
1. If the divorce made you poor, there is a good chance your children will have a tougher time than if you are getting child support or are working. I worked with low-income moms for many, many years. I was a low-income mom for the first 3 years after my divorce. I believe that poverty causes more problems than the divorce itself. Make sure you get the best attorney you can for whatever money you have if your divorce isn't amicable.
2. What is the relationship between the parents? This relationship is crucial. The better, the BETTER. Here is one I can only say, “do as I say not as I did.”
3. If there has been any kind of abuse, sexual, physical, emotional, alcohol or drug abuse or infidelity that the child is old enough to know about, your child needs to be in counseling. Like poverty, these variables, in my opinion will cause THE PROBLEM, not the divorce itself.
Some other ideas: ~How do you tell children you are divorcing? Of course, it depends on their age. If they are older, believe me, they know there are problems and there may be some relief mixed in with their sadness. A good way to put it is this: “Mommy and Daddy will not be living together anymore. We will not be married anymore. We aren’t leaving you; we are leaving each other. We don’t love each other anymore; but we both love you very much.”
~If one parent is absent (jail or desertion) it is important to not lie to your child but to reassure him that the parent still cares (I know you are thinking “But what if the parent really doesn’t care?) Rarely is that the case. Usually, there is some type of feeling, but the parent may not even be in touch with it at that point in his/her life. If there really is no caring, reassurance can still be given. “Daddy is away for awhile. He is sick and needs help. It will take some time. He will always love you and we hope that someday you will be able to see him, but we aren’t sure.
Would you like to write a letter or draw a picture that we can send him?” If you don’t know where the father is, tell the child the truth, but the writing and drawing is a good tool for the child to express his feelings whether or not it is even mailed. Or “Right now Mommy has to work a lot and can’t see you. Someday she may be able to.”
~Regarding the relationship between the parents: Do not bad mouth (this is a toughie) the other parent. If you do the child feels shame, i.e.”This is my dad. If you say he is bad, I must be too since I’m part of him.” (I said and knew this before Dr. Phil said it, so I'm not giving him credit for this line!) Make it ok for your child to have a relationship with him (or her).
~Do not tie child support to visitation. They are separate issues. There are separate court orders for each. I know if your ex isn’t paying his court ordered child support you want to use not seeing the children against him. Try not to. Instead, contact your local Child Support Enforcement agency. If you have trouble finding them, call the courthouse or the Department of Transitional Assistance.
~Reassure the child that this is not his fault. He did nothing to cause the divorce and there is nothing he could have done to prevent it. Children often blame themselves. “If I hadn’t been bad the other day, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” ~Please do not do family functions with your ex. I know it sounds like an ideal situation. After all everyone gets along so well, you say to yourself. The only time this can work at all is if both parents are remarried and the children are older, in my opinion. Otherwise it is terribly confusing to children. Children hold onto the hope even into their 20s that their parents will get back together. Don’t fuel that hope by appearing together. Children wonder why, if you get along so well, you can’t stay married. Make sure your child knows you and dad will not be getting back together. Let the child (and you) get on with your lives. If you are doing a trial separation, I understand you may get back together. Let the child know, in advance, what is happening. But don’t drag it on. If you get back together, for example, after counseling and want to make a go of it, great. But you have one chance to do this. Please don’t have your partner in and out of the house repeatedly. Not only does it keep the hope alive in your child that you and dad will stay married, but also he wonders what is wrong with the two of you! A teenager, for example, will see how crazy it is even while hoping things work out.
My final thoughts and a short anecdote/joke. A couple in their 80’s go to court seeking a divorce and approach the bench. The judge asks why they are doing this now, why did they wait so long? Their answer: “We were waiting for the kids to die.”
Please don’t wait for anything. There will always be a milestone. There will always be another birthday or graduation from high school, or college. Plan your separation, but don’t wait. If your time together is up, so be it. Free your child, your spouse and yourself from the pain your family has gone through in the unhappiness of your marriage. I read in Ann Landers this: When the vows “Til death do you part” were written, people only lived to be 40!” I am not making light of divorce, I hope you can see that. I hope to have given you some guidelines to make it easier and to assure you that divorce can be the best thing that ever happened to your family not the worst. Copyright Joanne Levy
